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My husband and I were at Home Depot this morning, standing in the checkout line behind a mom who was there with her children. The boy looked to be about 8 years old, his sister maybe 5, a baby in a stroller, and one "bun in mom's oven." The boy was obviously in a rotten mood and trying very hard to cause his mother grief. As she pushed the stroller up in line, and pulled her full shopping cart with the other hand, the boy yelled at her, "Don't do that Mom!" She didn't say anything to him at all.
She spotted the plant I was buying and asked me about it, so we started chatting. It was her turn to check out and her two older kids went up near the baby's stroller while the mom and I were talking. My husband interrupted our conversation with "Your kids are shaking your baby." She rushed over to gently push the kids away and check the baby, and the boy got ugly with her. He tried to push her and she grabbed him firmly (not meanly) by the arm and tried to move him near the shopping cart. He yanked his arm away from her, making nasty faces at her, and arguing back. I could see the hairs rising on the back of my husband's neck.
I watched as the boy kept trying to hit her, as she was trying to pay the cashier for her flowers and dirt. She unknowingly dodged his fist as I glanced at my husband, whose forehead vein was beginning to throb visibly. I really felt sorry for this mom. She had much more on her plate than she could handle. I'm pretty good about not stepping into other people's business, so I didn't do anything more than glare at the boy. She managed finally to get moving out towards the parking lot, pushing the stroller, dragging the cart, and mostly ignoring the boy and girl who followed along.
I joked to the cashier as we got up to the register, "Wow, that's great birth control, huh?" He laughed and said, "Yeah, I have an 8 month old and he will never act like that." I chuckled at that and said to him, "You know, I've learned that as a parent, you can do everything right, but you really can't ever control how your kids are going to act." My husband piped up with, "Yeah, but you can make sure they know not to ever do that again." I agree with him that doing nothing to teach the child how to act properly is the wrong action.
It seems like in the past 20 years or so, many parents have just stopped disciplining their children in public, although perhaps they don't discipline at home either. There are probably several reasons for the decline in public parental discipline, one of which is fear of accusations of abusing their children. People can be really quick to make a judgement and report parents to police or to children's protective services when it's really just the parent trying to teach their child. There is a big wave of people who are against spanking children at all, citing concerns about damage to the child's self esteem, or sometimes just a general feeling that teaching a child not to hit by hitting them just doesn't make sense.
In answer to the question likely forming in your mind, yes I do believe there are times when spanking a child on the bottom is the appropriate discipline. I also believe it should come with clear instructions for the child about why they are getting the spanking, and an explanation provided about the appropriate behavior that will be expected from the child going forward in similar situations. I don't believe parents should just smack a kid and expect that to fix everything.
Parenting takes time, work, consistency and lots of talking. Parenting can wear anybody out. Parenting is difficult and there are no guarantees about anything. You can raise a child in the best of homes, teach them manners, discipline them appropriately for their misbehavior, provide them everything they need (and a good balance of the things they want), take them to church, send them to good schools, pat yourself on the back for doing a great job, and then later discover your teenager is doing drugs, skipping school, sneaking out, having sex, starting fights, you name it. Children are their own people. Truly the only person whose behavior I am responsible for is my own. Certainly I can be held accountable for something my child does illegally, but ultimately that child chooses their own behavior.
It is my job as the parent to lead, guide, teach, discipline, and love my children. Most parents question their style of parenting at some point, but I really believe most of us are doing the best we can. My background includes extensive education on child development and many years of experience working with children, but there were many days I threw my hands up in total frustration about my own kids. I recall one day driving over to my church, throwing myself on the altar steps and sobbing hysterically at God's feet for an hour, because I was so upset at one of my teenagers.
Okay, so back to the mom at Home Depot. My husband mumbled something to me about the boy becoming a future sociopath, which made me giggle because I think he watches way too much Law & Order on television. I wondered where her husband was on this glorious morning. That mom really could have used an extra pair of adult hands to help her. She seemed really embarrassed by the whole situation, unsure of how to deal with that boy in public, and frustrated at everything that was going on. Since she was also pregnant and the temperature in the garden area was about 95 degrees, I'm sure that didn't help balance her hormones at all.
Every situation is different and every child is different. Although there are lots of books written on parenting, I have yet to find one that offers any guaranteed child-rearing methods. They are all based on theories and theories constantly change. I sure hope that mom finds some peace today. I did send up a prayer of silent thanks that I wasn't the mom dealing with kids who were acting up in Home Depot today.